Reflection

It is 12:30 am on a Thursday night / Friday morning. My husband, dog, and new baby girl are all sleeping soundly next to me as I lay (lie? I can never remember which to use when) here thinking about life. I should be sleeping, but true to form I can't stop my active mind as it over thinks a random assortment of topics. Tonight I can't help but be thankful and overwhelmingly content with the current state of my life. Some bullet points:

• I had a baby. She is perfect. We are your typical new parents who are fascinated with our daughter yet terrified of her at the same time. I catch myself staring at her at least once a day, dumbfounded that she is real and finally here. We waited so long for her and went through some hard stuff to make our hope a reality, and I know we are so blessed.  I was a champion pregnant lady - I ended up not gaining a pound and my labor was textbook.  If I were promised the exact same pregnancy I would not hesitate in doing it again.
• I finished my thesis. Finally. It is nice to not have the thing hanging over my head anymore. I didn't realize how guilty I felt about it all these years - I feel lighter now that it is done. I think I made my parents proud. I'm really grateful for everyone who had a hand in getting it finished.
• My family is well. We've had a few scares and health mysteries, but so far we have overcome. I am thankful God is hearing our prayers. 

There are more good things, but I'll get into more details in future posts. I guess this post is mostly me reflecting on how good things are now and how even just a year ago it didn't seem like I would ever get to this kind of serenity. However this contentment also carries with it a certain fearful undertone, as my eternal pessimistic side rears its ugly head. I know that bad things can happen at any moment (just watching the daily news proves that) and I need to embrace and appreciate the good times in real time. So that being said, I'm now going to put away the tablet, watch my daughter sleep for a few minutes, then try to relax.

It is so nice to be...dare I say it...happy.  I hope happiness finds you too. Until next time...

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

In the spirit of students and teachers going back to school, here is a list of things I did on this summer:

• I hosted two baby showers.  I think they were both super cute and I hope my BFFs loved them. 
• I've gone to the casino a few times and I lurve it.  I *may* be going back on Wednesday.
• I went to the Jason Mraz / Christina Perri concert.  It was a lot of fun despite this drunk couple next to us who kept grinding their butts in my face.
• We hosted an Olympic Opening Ceremony Watch Party and it was super fun.  We had a relay race and a smorgasbord of food from around the world.
• I watched the Olympics obsessively and now I'm sad it is over. 
• We bought a king size bed and it is AMAZING.
• I got promoted to Operations Manager.  It was a really rough process with lots of hoops, but I'm really excited to take on more responsibility and contribute even more to the organization.

That about sums it up.  What did you do on your summer vacation?

Orchestrating a Baby: Doubt

Sooooo I've not really posted in awhile about this journey, and I promised to do updates and be completely honest about our road to having a baby.  I've been avoiding writing about it, because lately I've had some doubts about the whole thing.

One of my besties Jess had her gorgeous little baby girl Teagan on July 3.  Her labor was flawless and Jess did an amazing job.  When I got to her hospital room I was in awe of her because she took to being a mother so naturally.  The next morning I was eager to hold Teagan, but I was terrified to pick her up or move or do anything that could possible harm this itty-bitty baby.  I just don't really know how to act around an infant.  They are cute and all, but they are so foreign to me.  Seeing Jess (and earlier this year Sarah) with their babies makes me wonder if I'm really cut out for this whole motherhood thing.  Jess said she just knew what to do...like magic.  Sure, that is probably what would happen after I have a kid, but what if it doesn't??

Couple those insecurities with this current cycle and MAJOR work related stress / uncertainty and I'm pretty much a walking emotional basket case with the lid shut tight.  I took my first round of clomid this month, and I don't think it worked.  In fact, I have yet to ovulate.  Either I missed it or my body has decided this is the month to develop PCOS.  I had a sneaking suspicion the medicine didn't work from the get-go because I had hardly any of the typical clomid symptoms.  I had maybe 3 hot flashes, and even those I kinda doubt were real.  I think I just got hot.  I wasn't super moody, but I did use the medicine as an excuse to act bitchier than I normally do.  Like, I consciously made an effort to be mean sometimes just because I could.  I'm thinking that was brought on by my anger for even being in the situation to take this stupid medication in the first place.

And to top it all off, I feel HUGE.  Like, fatter than I've ever been in my life.  I know what I need to do to drop the weight - I need to stop drinking cokes and eating pasta every other day.  But those things are my comforts.  When I'm sad it is so much nicer to make a big ol' bowl of noodles and sit in front of the tv.  I don't have a gym that is near my house so I would need to exercise outside...but it is too. damn. hot.  I would love to do pilates or yoga or a class of some sort with Blair.  Unfortunately there aren't any in Crosby and I don't want to do a video cause I'm just going to hurt myself because I've tried and I did feel like I was doing it wrong.  I feel like losing weight is like my thesis - a thing that I think about every damn day and yet I don't have the motivation to make it happen.

Anywho this turned into a big old pity party didn't it?  I guess the final message is this: I'm doubting our plans.  I've always been one to cut and run when things get hard, so I'm really trying to fight my natural instincts of throwing my hands in the air and saying never mind to this whole baby thing.  We'll see what happens I guess.

Orchestrating a Baby: The HSG and a Note about Honesty

So yesterday was the big HSG test.  I was not happy to find out my test was at 7:30 in the morning.  That meant getting up at 5 AM to leave the house by 6 AM to get to the Medical Center by 6:45 AM.  I was cranky because I didn't sleep at all.

Sidenote: I haven't been sleeping lately.  I'm a bundle of nerves about everything and I don't know why.  Work stress?  Probably.  I feel like something big is about to happen.  It varies each night - sometimes I think I'm gonna die soon...sometimes I think I'm gonna win the lottery...sometimes I think it might just mean the baby is imminent.  Wide spectrum there, no?

Anyway...

I knew what I was in for so I wasn't fearing the unknown.  The test is straightforward: they insert a catheter into your hoo-haa (medical term) and inject dye into your uterus.  This allows the doctor to see the shape of your uterus as well as the fallopian tubes to determine if anything is physically wrong with your lady parts.  I knew it would cause mild cramping, so I wasn't so worried about it.  What I was terrified of were the potential results.  One of the things that kept me awake the night before was the idea that something would be so wrong that we couldn't fix it.  Some of the nightmare scenarios I had in mind:

• My uterus was inside out
• My uterus was split in two
• My uterus was tilted so much that any fertilized egg wouldn't attach and would just fall out
• My tubes were somehow tied on their own

And that just proves how crazy I am.

I should have spent more time focused on the damn test.  Because honesty time: It sucked big donkey balls.  Not to be crude, but it did.  It sucked hardcore.  I know, I should toughen up and get used to these kinds of things if I want to have a baby but shit did I not expect mild cramps to equal that amount of pain.  If anything, this test just further pushed the elective cesarean approach for when this baby does happen.  I have such a low pain threshold, and the amount of things that happened with this test just really took me by surprise.  To add to the pain, when I moved up on the table for the actual X-ray, the stupid catheter shifted so they had to do it all over again.  I accidentally cussed at my doctor...I felt horrible cause it wasn't her fault, but geez louise did that hurt!!

So they push in the dye and guess what!?  Everything is NORMAL.  I think my reaction said it all "Yay...I guess?"  I mean, yes it is great that everything is perfect, but it feels like a non-answer.  So my doctor told me to 'do it a lot' and call her when we either get a positive test or I get my period.  It felt very anti-climatic.

Now that you are all up to date, I wanted to quickly talk about why I've decided to be so open and honest about this journey.  I know most couples would be very tight-lipped about this process and keep it private.  I tried that approach for a long time, but I found it was not healthy for me to keep something this huge and life-altering inside.  Ted's a great partner and listener, but I knew I was going to get on his nerves if I continued to obsess over this and talk about it only to him.  He is fine with me being honest about it, which just makes me love him even more.

I have found that most women look at fertility problems as something to hide in shame.  I guess I don't think I should be ashamed of the fact that I want a baby and I'm ok with sharing with everyone how we are going to make it happen for us.  I do admit that it is an extremely intimate thing, and you will not be getting a play by play of what goes on behind closed doors.  You all know how babies get made, so I don't need to educate anyone on that.  I'm here to give you a glimpse into what happens when two mostly-healthy adults who love each other more than words can say have trouble conceiving.  I'm here to get people to understand that sometimes fertility is more than just 'relaxing and letting it happen for you' - sometimes there really is a reason why it isn't happening.  So many people say "it will happen when it is supposed to" and I appreciate that sentiment, but also understand that maybe God intends for me to walk this path in order for it to happen.  Because that's what I think.  I compare it to that story about the person stuck on the roof of their house during a flood.  Several boats and other things come by to rescue them, but instead of seeing those things as something God sent, they just blindly say "oh no worries, God will provide".  HELLO, He gave you the way to safety!  So I think He is giving me the medical technologies to make this happen because my body is currently a 'flood' and I need a way to make it work.  Does that make sense to anyone else?  No?  Oh well I tried...

Anywho, that's all I have for tonight.  Until next time!

In New Yooooorkkkk

....make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire yoooouuuu....
(Sing it Mary J.!!)

So as most of you know I spent last weekend in New York.  The orchestra had the opportunity to open the 2012 Spring for Music Festival at Carnegie Hall.  After a year (or more) of booking flights and hotel, arranging ticket requests and buses, and dealing with every tour related detail you can imagine, I was blessed with the opportunity to accompany the orchestra as a staff member.  And, not only was I able to achieve one of my career goals of taking a group to Carnegie Hall, but I also got to achieve a life long dream that I really, truly thought would never happen:

I performed at Carnegie Hall. *Insert squeal of delight here*

It was a strange set of circumstances that put me on that stage.  The first half of the program is a great piece by Shostakovich that is basically a parody of a Communist Party meeting.  There is a baritone who acts as the four main speakers (he switches hats to demonstrate who he is at any given time) and then there is a 'chorus' of "Musical Functionaries" who chime in with applause and rousing interjections of agreement in response to the speaker.  Our music director did not want the 'chorus' to be made up of professional singers.  He wanted it to be a mix of 'everyday' types, though they needed to still be able to read music and know how to follow a conductor. 

In January, we were doing an open rehearsal to give our donors a sense of what the piece was about.  We tried to wrangle some orchestra musicians to participate as chorus members, but we didn't really get enough.  So my boss asked if I would sit in the rehearsal and wanted me to rope a few other musically inclined staff members into helping out as well.  I was a nervous wreck for that rehearsal; it had been years since I had been in rehearsal and here I was sitting on a stage with our orchestra.  However, as the rehearsal got underway I felt more and more comfortable; in fact, I even had a bit of fun.

Flash forward a few months, and we needed to figure out how to fill out the 'chorus', as Carnegie was fast approaching.  So my boss asked if I wanted to participate again, and I think I interrupted his question with a very loud "OMG YES PLEASE!!"  I was so excited that I was getting the opportunity.

It was everything I could possibly imagine and more.  Surreal on so many levels.  Carnegie is a beautiful hall and the orchestra sounded amazing.  Not only did I participate in the 'chorus', I also got to be an 'anti-percussionist' on the second half - the percussion section needed two people to help muffle the huge chimes so our assistant personnel manager and I got to sit on stage and help out.  I had the best seat in the house!!

Here are some pics:
 

 The view from my hotel room

I was the main contact for the hotel, and I was welcomed with fruit!  Big Pimpin'!!

Our hotel had the best burger place.  I ate there twice.  

Before devouring the best burger and fries I've ever had

The next day we walked around Central Park.  I ate a hot dog from a cart!

 The view from our table at the Central Park Boathouse

Champagne!!

I went out Sunday night.  Times Square!!

Monday we got down to business

 My view during rehearsal (and the concert)

 On stage at Carnegie!!

 Carnegie Hall Stage Door

Post Concert.  I was on such an adrenaline high!!

So there you have it.  It really was a dream weekend and I can honestly rank it as one of the best weekends of my life.  I am so lucky and so happy to be where I am. 

Some Exciting Work Things

Two Work Things I'm Happy About:

• I get to perform with the orchestra as a member of a 'chorus' that is required for the first half of our Carnegie Hall concert.  This means not only do I perform with the orchestra at Jones Hall, I also get to do it at Carnegie Hall.  Never in a million years did I think I would get this opportunity.  I've been giddy for weeks now.  Now, it was the perfect set of circumstances that gave me this dream opportunity.  First, the chorus part is not terribly difficult and can be performed by those of us who aren't necessarily trained...in fact our music director prefers it for this particular piece.  I was already going to NYC to work the tour, so my boss said that they could use another person and bam, I'm in the chorus.  I'm beyond excited to live a dream that I've had since I was 12.  

• On top of the performance, I'm really happy to finally get the chance to go on a tour with the orchestra and learn the ropes of taking a concert on the road.  I've worked really hard getting the orchestra to various locations in my 3+ years I've worked here, so it is great to actually see the tour happen.  I'm going to be super busy with various assignments, but I think I'll have a little bit of fun while I'm there.

I'll write up a recap of my trip when I get back next week.  So give me something to read in the meantime: Have you unexpectedly been able to cross off a major thing on your bucket list?

Orchestrating a Baby: The Testing Journey Continues

(I've decided to 'name' my fertility blog updates Orchestrating a Baby, because a) we are trying to put together a baby so to speak and b) I think it is funny given my profession.)

So the last thing I reported was we were trying to have a baby and we have been failing miserably.  Ok, I should put it that we have just had problems making it happen, but really it feels like failing.  Anyway...so I knew the next step was to go to the doctor.

I really like my doctor.  I don't know, she just puts me at ease unlike any other doctor I've had as an adult, so I trust her judgement and I know she will be honest with me.  I booked an appointment for Ted and I to have a chat with her to find out what we need to do next.

Our appointment was a Tuesday afternoon and even though there would be no invasive tests done and it was simply just a discussion-type appointment, I was a nervous wreck.  I met Ted at the doctor's office and we traveled in silence up to the 11th floor.  After we signed in and sat, I could tell Ted started to get nervous a little too because he got chatty and he was loud.  Ted only speaks above mumble-volume when he's uncomfortable.  I'm the opposite.  I get squeamish and quiet, so I think we made quite the entertaining pair while in the waiting room.

We finally settled into our room and Dr. Tarrant came in after about 20 minutes.  As I expected, she was very direct and honest.  She said that yes, after a year of trying to have a baby without any luck the medical world suggests that you have various tests done to see if there is a problem.  First they would draw blood from me and test my thyroid levels as that can have a direct effect on fertility.  This made me more nervous, because out of the 4 people in my immediate family, I'm the only one who has never had a thyroid problem.  Dad doesn't have a thyroid anymore (cancer); Blair's is all out of whack due to her diabetes; Mom has always had problems with her levels.  So, it was looking bleak for me on that front.

The next test we needed to do was have Ted's...stuff...analyzed.  If there was a problem, it is best to catch it before we move on to the next level of testing on me, as those tests can be very invasive procedures.

She then said that the next step would be another test for me (I'll explain that in a bit) and then we will begin Clomid.  For those of you who do not know, Clomid is a fertility drug to help spur 'good ovulation'.  Currently, I am ovulating.  Dr. Tarrant said it would be extremely rare to have consistent periods and not be ovulating.  She looked over my charts and saw no indication that I have PCOS.  However, Clomid will beef up the follicles that essentially release an egg, and that could be the boost we need to make this happen for us.  Also, Clomid will help produce a 'better' egg that can perhaps better withstand the whole fertilization process than my eggs seem to.

So, here are the results so far:
1.  My thyroid levels are completely normal.  I have no idea how my body has maintained normalcy in that arena, but hey I'll take it.
2.  Ted's swimmers are 'above average'...apparently they have good mobility and morphology and he has a high number.  I think he is proud of himself.  We had to go to a reproductive endocrinologist's office to get that test done.  I was so pissed because it felt like they held the results hostage for a few days.  My doctor finally had to bully them into telling us everything was ok.

The next step is a not-so-fun invasive test for me called an HSG.  Basically, Dr. Tarrant will need to take an X-Ray of my equipment to see if there is any physical abnormalities that is preventing fertilization.  In order to take the pictures, they will inject dye into my hoo-haa (medical term).  The dye will 'light up' all of my lady bits and show her everything.  Dr. Tarrant mentioned that this test sometimes works magic for couples because the dye inadvertently cleans out any blockages that may be hiding out in the fallopian tubes.  The test has to occur one or two days after you've finished up your period.  Of course, I was four days late this month (yeah, it was so fun getting my hopes up a little...I've never in my life been 4 days late so I was so excited) and Dr. Tarrant was going on a medical mission so we missed the window of opportunity for the test.  This means that we have to do it in May instead, which means we won't start Clomid until June now.

So there we are...you are up to date.  I'm nervous about the HSG and what we may find.  In fourth grade I had surgery to correct a kidney reflux problem I was born with.  It was a very involved surgery - I had anesthesia and I stayed in the hospital for like a week.  You can still See the scare on my (very) lower abdomen (ha well Ted or I can see...not everyone has tickets to that show).  The surgery basically moved the tube that leads from the kidney to the bladder, because mine wasn't working properly.  So I'm scared that something weird happened and there is scar tissue on my uterus or tubes from that surgery.  Sure, they shouldn't have been slicing those things, but I'm thinking that those items are pretty close to each other in a 10 year old girl.  I've read up on if it is a possibility that infertility could be some weird complication, but I haven't found any evidence of that.  The only thing that will calm my fears is the test.  Hopefully all will be well and we can continue on towards having a baby.