Stop the Procreation Merry Go Round...I Want to Get Off!!

It is official: I'm in the phase of life that revolves around procreating. Lately it feels like everyone I know or blogs I read or tv shows I watch or songs on the radio are all about the babies. (ok, that may be taking it a bit far...but you get the idea).

I just can't get my mind wrapped around it. One minute, I'm all about it. (Example here and here). But the more my exterior life revolves around baby talk, the more squeamish I'm becoming. One of my dear friends is halfway through her pregnancy and I'm over the moon for her. But two more of my friends have had some difficulties and I'm terrified I'll experience the same things.

There are days I get too obsessed with the idea of kids. When Ted's grandmother passed away a few weeks ago, the minister spoke alot about her important role as a mother and grandmother and how that's her legacy. Later that afternoon it hit me: Oh shit, if I don't have kids I won't have a legacy. I'll have a funeral when I'm 90 and no one will be there because I didn't procreate. I spent the next few weeks rearranging my life to make sure we could have a legacy and won't die alone. Sad, right?

I woke up last week and was irritated again by the idea of never experiencing getting to drop my kid off at school or watching their first cello recital or cheering them on at a soccer game. I cried. Over something I'm not even ready to admit I desperately want soon or hell even tried to have yet. I spent the rest of the day in a miserable mood and yelling at Ted for no good reason. The next morning I woke up and made a decision: I was going to stop planning my life around the idea that we might have kids one day. Because guess what? It isn't a guarantee in life.

I can't do it anymore even though I've only been obsessing for a few months now. I have to stop thinking to myself, well, if we decide to try now I could be giving birth by this date...how would that effect everything...work, travel, holidays? In the words of Rachel Zoe - That's bananas. Instead, I'm going to just focus on my relationships and having a freedom that I know I will gladly one day trade in. I just don't know when that will happen yet.

So in honor of this "live for myself not an imaginary baby" idea we're going to go on vacation with BFFs Jess and Terry in December and it will be amazing. And it will save my sanity. Then, the next thing will be to find a way to convince my boss that I need to go on the May Carnegie tour and I'm going to take my sister with me. And then, who knows what the next focus will be. I just need the pressure to go away, and I think this is a great way to do that for myself. Until the time comes for me to welcome my own Chicken Little, I'll bask in the happiness I have for my lucky friends who are pregnant or who will be soon.