So you may have noticed that I've neglected my blog. You've experienced radio silence for a few months because I just haven't wanted to chat about anything. Well, I think I'm ready to air my dirty laundry and be really honest even though I'm beyond embarrassed about how I've felt about life lately. Ready? Ok.
The not so big secret: I want to have a baby.
The not so known aspect of that statement: I can't seem to get pregnant.
We've been working on this whole pregnancy thing for 11 months. Granted, all the professional doctor types say you shouldn't get worried until it has been a year, but seeing as 11 months is only 31 days shy of 'worry time', I'm a little (no, a lot) freaked that it hasn't happened yet.
I'm tired of feeling alone.
And that isn't to say that I don't have amazing family and friends who are supportive. I just got back from a great weekend celebrating with my three best friends and talking about their babies. I am going to be the best Aunt ever to those three little girls. And I hope that my friends know how happy I am for them. Because I am over the moon happy for them.
It just gets really, really hard. Want to know how many friends / family / acquaintances have either had a baby or has gotten pregnant in the past year? Like, 12 or 13. I'm sure there are more. Those are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head. Every time I see the facebook announcements or I get the phone call I first feel so excited for them but then later the jealousy and ugliness creep into my thoughts: What did they do right and what did I do wrong? Why am I not allowed to experience that joy too? And then when I hear that someone who isn't in the best life situation gets pregnant, all I can think is "Really God? They get to have that joy and I don't? You can't be fucking serious." I've done everything right: I didn't do drugs. I graduated from high school and college with honors. I'm really close to finishing up my stupid thesis and actually having my Masters diploma in my hot little hand. I work really hard at a job I love. I contribute to society. So why is it that I'm not rewarded with what pretty much everyone on the planet proclaims to be the most important: the ability to share your life with a child?
The real kicker is that at this point, it isn't a glaringly obvious medical problem. I went to the doctor in December and she said everything looked good and that there were no immediate red flags to say we can't have kids. My monthly visit (cringe) is on time every single month and the ovulation tests always come back positive so we can almost completely rule out the usual suspect of PCOS. I'm supposed to call my doctor in April if we've still had no luck. I know lots of women have obvious medical issues, but at the very least they have a treatment plan and they know what they are up against. I have no clue what the problem could be. My current plan consists of doing what we are doing and hope for the best, which is a problem because guess what, it hasn't worked for 11 months. Oh and side note, don't tell me to relax. Would you tell someone with a flu that the cure would be to relax? Oy that doesn't help anyone!!
Anyway.
I know, I have a very blessed life, but at the end of the day I want to have my Chicken Little look alike. I want to hang his pictures on my fridge. I want to take him to the park and push him on a swing. I want to buy him ornaments from Hallmark every year for our Christmas tree. I want Ted to teach him nerdy computer stuff. I want my dad to show off his grandson at the fire station and let him ride in the cab of the ladder truck during a parade. I want my sister to be able to buy him designer kid outfits and to decorate his room. I want my mom and grandma to give him big hugs and kisses.
So there you have it. Why I've been so quiet lately. Now I'm gonna go back to work and mop up the massive nosebleed I'm now encountering. Woot.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
WEverb Catch Up
With our vacation, Christmas and other things going on, I've slacked in the WEverb11 posts, so I'm gonna play a little catch up today. Ready for a marathon of reflection? Let's go!
WEverb #9: Appreciate
In which moment did you find yourself flooded with gratitude? How will you rally around gratitude in 2012?
Ted was in a car accident in October. He was fine, but his car was not. For a few days, we didn't know if his car would actually work again, and we are in no position to buy another new car this year. I really had no idea what the hell we were going to do. I was pouring my heart out to my dear friend Jessica, and she says, "Mer, you can have my mom's car. I'm never going to drive it, and she would have wanted it to be used to help someone. If Ted's car is officially scrap metal, let me know and we'll get it to you." Yall, I cried. That offer meant the world to me, and I love that I have a friend who would do that for me, especially when 9 times out of 10 I don't feel like I deserve such beautiful friendship. Jess, you are amazing and I love you!! The gratitude I felt in that moment was truly monumental. Hopefully I can remember that feeling and bring it to someone in 2012.
WEverb #10: Create
Share a creative project you undertook this year (art, writing, DIY, cooking, home decoration, crafts, photography … whatever comes to mind). How do you use your creativity to express yourself?
For Christmas this year, Blair and I decided to make a calendar for Mom. It wasn't just any old calendar: it was a calendar full of pictures from our childhood that we then reenacted as adults. It is the funniest thing ever! We had so much fun putting it together and coming up with ways to redo the photos as adults. I love that Mom may love it more than any other present she got this year.
WEver #11: Try
What 12 things do you want to do/accomplish in 2012?
1. Finish my thesis.
2. Celebrate my friends and their new additions
3. Create a built in desk in the breakfast nook
4. Buy the bookcases for our living room
5. Accomplish at least 10 items on my 101 in 1,001 list
6. Lose weight
7. Redo our front landscaping
8. Go on another trip (Europe perhaps?)
9. Be a better employee
10. Make a new friend
11. Go to more cultural events
12. Spend more time with my Grandma
WEverb #19: Laugh
Tell us about your biggest belly laugh in 2011.
I had a few belly laughs in 2011, but the most recent that sticks out in my mind is from last week. I took my Grandma and Mom over to my Great Aunt's house to pick up a strudel for my Dad. Well, after we left I wasn't sure where we were going: Mom's house or Grandma's house. So I ask, "Where are we going ladies?" And my Grandma, without missing a beat, replies, "Straight" in the most smart-ass tone I've ever heard her use. I started to laugh and told her to stop being such a smart ass and to tell me the location she wanted to go, not the direction. Mom started to laugh, and then Grandma started to laugh. I think we laughed until we pulled into Mom's driveway. It was a beautiful moment.
WEver #20: Plug In / Unplug
How has technology affected your life (positively or negatively) in 2011? Do you want this to continue for 2012?
Ted and I are constantly on our computers or our phones. I love that we have something to entertain us, but I always worry it is going to eventually negatively impact our relationship because there are some nights we are in the same room but we don't actually talk to each other because we are too engrossed in our laptops. I'd like for us to tone it down in 2012.
WEverb #9: Appreciate
In which moment did you find yourself flooded with gratitude? How will you rally around gratitude in 2012?
Ted was in a car accident in October. He was fine, but his car was not. For a few days, we didn't know if his car would actually work again, and we are in no position to buy another new car this year. I really had no idea what the hell we were going to do. I was pouring my heart out to my dear friend Jessica, and she says, "Mer, you can have my mom's car. I'm never going to drive it, and she would have wanted it to be used to help someone. If Ted's car is officially scrap metal, let me know and we'll get it to you." Yall, I cried. That offer meant the world to me, and I love that I have a friend who would do that for me, especially when 9 times out of 10 I don't feel like I deserve such beautiful friendship. Jess, you are amazing and I love you!! The gratitude I felt in that moment was truly monumental. Hopefully I can remember that feeling and bring it to someone in 2012.
WEverb #10: Create
Share a creative project you undertook this year (art, writing, DIY, cooking, home decoration, crafts, photography … whatever comes to mind). How do you use your creativity to express yourself?
For Christmas this year, Blair and I decided to make a calendar for Mom. It wasn't just any old calendar: it was a calendar full of pictures from our childhood that we then reenacted as adults. It is the funniest thing ever! We had so much fun putting it together and coming up with ways to redo the photos as adults. I love that Mom may love it more than any other present she got this year.
WEver #11: Try
What 12 things do you want to do/accomplish in 2012?
1. Finish my thesis.
2. Celebrate my friends and their new additions
3. Create a built in desk in the breakfast nook
4. Buy the bookcases for our living room
5. Accomplish at least 10 items on my 101 in 1,001 list
6. Lose weight
7. Redo our front landscaping
8. Go on another trip (Europe perhaps?)
9. Be a better employee
10. Make a new friend
11. Go to more cultural events
12. Spend more time with my Grandma
WEverb #19: Laugh
Tell us about your biggest belly laugh in 2011.
I had a few belly laughs in 2011, but the most recent that sticks out in my mind is from last week. I took my Grandma and Mom over to my Great Aunt's house to pick up a strudel for my Dad. Well, after we left I wasn't sure where we were going: Mom's house or Grandma's house. So I ask, "Where are we going ladies?" And my Grandma, without missing a beat, replies, "Straight" in the most smart-ass tone I've ever heard her use. I started to laugh and told her to stop being such a smart ass and to tell me the location she wanted to go, not the direction. Mom started to laugh, and then Grandma started to laugh. I think we laughed until we pulled into Mom's driveway. It was a beautiful moment.
WEver #20: Plug In / Unplug
How has technology affected your life (positively or negatively) in 2011? Do you want this to continue for 2012?
Ted and I are constantly on our computers or our phones. I love that we have something to entertain us, but I always worry it is going to eventually negatively impact our relationship because there are some nights we are in the same room but we don't actually talk to each other because we are too engrossed in our laptops. I'd like for us to tone it down in 2012.
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Wednesday, December 7, 2011
WEverb11 #7: Travel
Where did you travel this year? What was your favorite part? If you didn’t get to travel, where do you want to go next year?
We had a pretty good travel year. In June, we celebrated Blair's graduation from Baylor by taking a family trip to Las Vegas. I love going to Vegas and I wish we could afford to go more often!
In a few days we are taking a trip to Orlando to go to Disney World and Universal with Jess and Terry. I am so excited to see the parks all decked out in Christmas decor. I am just as excited to go on a vacation with two of my dearest friends and celebrate not only our anniversaries, but their upcoming addition to their family!
I'm not sure if I can talk Ted into it, but if we can pay off the Florida trip in a timely manner, I would love to go to Hawaii or maybe even London next year.
We had a pretty good travel year. In June, we celebrated Blair's graduation from Baylor by taking a family trip to Las Vegas. I love going to Vegas and I wish we could afford to go more often!
In a few days we are taking a trip to Orlando to go to Disney World and Universal with Jess and Terry. I am so excited to see the parks all decked out in Christmas decor. I am just as excited to go on a vacation with two of my dearest friends and celebrate not only our anniversaries, but their upcoming addition to their family!
I'm not sure if I can talk Ted into it, but if we can pay off the Florida trip in a timely manner, I would love to go to Hawaii or maybe even London next year.
WEverb11 # 3 - Learn
What lesson did you learn in 2011 from “The School of Life” rather than a classroom?
You can't always get what you want. You have to have patience and trust that what you want will eventually happen.
You can't always get what you want. You have to have patience and trust that what you want will eventually happen.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
WEverb11 #2: Listen
What song did you listen to in 2011 to completely change your mood?
Think about ways you can you add more music to your life in 2012.
This is a tough question! I don't think I can pick one song, so I think I'm gonna pick a few:
When I wanted to rock out and get silly I loved LMFAO's new one "Sexy and I Know It" I dare you to listen to it and not get the giggles. It is fantastic to dance to in the car!
When I wanted to reflect, I loved to hear Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". It isn't a new song, but one of our radio stations decided to play it at the beginning of the year. It reminds of me of a few people in my past and sometimes it is a good thing to reflect on why they are exactly that - in my past.
When I wanted to pretend to be ghetto-fabulous, there was nothing better than Chris Brown's "Look at Me Now" (Even though I feel dirty about it. He is gross, no doubt about it, but damn can that boy put together a good collaboration and throw down an awesome beat)
When I wanted to think about my dear Ted, I was happy to hear the new Christina Perri song from the Twilight album "Thousand Years". Can we say cheesetastic?
For 2012 I want to get back to classical music. I'm listening to KUHA more, and I really want to make an effort to study the pieces the orchestra is performing. I really miss learning about music history and the interesting stories behind composers and their masterpieces.
This is a tough question! I don't think I can pick one song, so I think I'm gonna pick a few:
When I wanted to rock out and get silly I loved LMFAO's new one "Sexy and I Know It" I dare you to listen to it and not get the giggles. It is fantastic to dance to in the car!
When I wanted to reflect, I loved to hear Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts". It isn't a new song, but one of our radio stations decided to play it at the beginning of the year. It reminds of me of a few people in my past and sometimes it is a good thing to reflect on why they are exactly that - in my past.
When I wanted to pretend to be ghetto-fabulous, there was nothing better than Chris Brown's "Look at Me Now" (Even though I feel dirty about it. He is gross, no doubt about it, but damn can that boy put together a good collaboration and throw down an awesome beat)
When I wanted to think about my dear Ted, I was happy to hear the new Christina Perri song from the Twilight album "Thousand Years". Can we say cheesetastic?
For 2012 I want to get back to classical music. I'm listening to KUHA more, and I really want to make an effort to study the pieces the orchestra is performing. I really miss learning about music history and the interesting stories behind composers and their masterpieces.
WEverb11 #1: Choose One Word
So I stumbled upon this idea through several of the blogs I have in my blogger dashboard, and I really like it. It is called WEverb11 and they give you prompt for every day in December to reflect on the year that is 2011 and you can utilize all the prompts or pick what you want. Here's more info on WEverb11 if you want to know more:
| Choose one word. Choose one word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why. Imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you? I must say my word is Stagnate. I hate that it is a negative word, I really, I really do. I began the year with such hopeful intention. There are certain things that I had hoped to achieve by now - in my personal life and in my professional life. I can't help but wonder where (and why) I stalled. Sure, some things I obviously have no control over and despite my best efforts have just not happened for me. For us. And that lack of development has been devastating in a way that really surprises me. Some things I had partial control of and I just didn't follow through. I thought I'd have mustered the willpower to finally finish my thesis, and here I am, basically in the same exact place I stopped in the last two thesis efforts. I did make some stride with my career, but after the past few weeks I wonder if there will honestly be more momentum to come. Again - I'm stagnate. One year from today I want my word to be Satisfied. Not happy...satisfied. I think I have many moments of happiness, but I really want 2012 to be about satisfying things that I put off for so long that I think about constantly. |
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Survey Time Excellent!
Let's take a survey so I don't say things I shouldn't, shall we?
If you woke up as the opposite sex, whats the first thing you would do?
Scratch my balls and pee standing up
Are you addicted to anything?
TV...I luuurrrvveee my TV
What do you see in a guy/girl?
I love a sense of humor and a guy who can be a bit of a nerd - basically all of Ted's qualities
Has an animal ever attacked you?
Yes! When I was a kid my neighbor's dog knocked me down and tried to bite me :(
When was the last time someone made you laugh really hard?
Jess this morning when she dubbed herself the hungry grinch. I may have snorted a little :)
Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive?
I don't like piercings. I could be ok with a tattoo or two
What's the weirdest thing you've ever licked?
hmmm I can't think of anything weird :(
When you wake up, what's the first thought that runs through your head?
"shit...already?"
Do you actually believe Alaska is covered in snow?
Parts of it probably
Are you ever purposely irritating?
No...maybe I need to be sometimes...
Would you ever play strip poker?
With Ted I would
If you could make someone disappear, who would it be?
So many options!!
Look behind you, what do you see?
My gorgeous curtains from Anthropologie.
What's your fav thing about the opposite sex?
Ted's smile :)
What's the most important thing to you?
1. Ted 2. Family (mostly immediate) 3. Friends 4. Career
What would you be doing right now if you were kicked off your computer?
Laundry and watching Revenge
How do you spend your weekends?
With Ted, Blair or my S'port girls. Or at work.
Who do you want to be with right now?
I want to continue to hang out with Ted and Sly. Or hang out with the S'port girls
Are you fun to hang with?
Yes I am fun to hang out with. At least certain people still think so.
What country would you love to visit?
Japan
What's on your mind right now?
avoiding the drama llamas
When was the last time you went to a good party?
Blair's birthday outing was kinda like a good party
Fav song?
Spiderwebs - No Doubt
Can you lick your elbow?
Nope...isn't that impossible?
If you jumped out your bedroom window right now, how injured would you be?
not very...my bedroom is downstairs
What would you do if your bf/gf cheated on you with your best friend?
I'd cut off his balls. J/k...or am I?
Do you like anyone you can't have?
no...I guess this is a survey for high school kids?
Do you dance even without music?
sometimes
Does anyone tease you cause of your name?
Kids made fun of my last name...which was a bit of a stretch...
What song is stuck in your head right now?
None
What's your darkest secret?
I don't really have one
What do you think is at the end of the rainbow?
Your mom
If a blind guy/girl started hitting on you, what would you do?
Somehow mention the wedding ring he obviously can't see on my finger
What was the last concert you want to?
I worked a Houston Symphony concert last weekend and then last month went to see Maroon 5
Do you speak your mind?
I do but apparently that's a bad thing for some people
Can you handle the truth?
Yep. Can you?
What would you do if someone random on the street came up to you and started hitting on you?
Yep...High School kid quiz
Ever been caught naked?
Nope
Ever been in a fight?
Like a physical one? Not that I remember
If so did you win?
n/a
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?
Nope
Done anything illegal lately?
Not really
Name the most stupidest thing you've ever done?
Oh so many choices. Trust people I shouldn't
Would you talk to someone you don't know on the internet?
not anymore
Ever been in trouble for something you didn't do?
Oh I'm sure
Ever done anything stupid towards a cop?
Hell No
Have you lied to your parents about where you've been or going?
Oh who hasn't once upon a time
Ever had a prank turn out wrong?
Nah
Would you send money to a starving family in another country?
Sure
Are you hungry?
For ice cream!
If you could speak another language, what would it be?
Spanish would be useful
One word to describe yourself?
Fantastic
To describe your friends?
Amazing
What's the last present you've received?
Blair brought me some prints from Ikea yesterday
What would you rather have as a name?
I like my name
Any siblings?
Blair - the best person in the world
Are you a sporty kind of person or do you like to lay around and do nothing but watch tv or sit at the computer?
Totally lazy, but I'm starting to run
Could you outrun a bus?
Nope
You and your friends are bored. What do you do?
Chat or play a board game
What's your middle name?
Frances
What's your fav website?
I love Tom and Lorenzo's blog
Single or Taken?
Very Taken
Good or Bad kisser?
I guess I'm a good kisser?
What would you do if the world were coming to an end?
Eat an amazing meal and snuggle with Ted and Sly
Biggest regret ever?
Too many to list
If you woke up as the opposite sex, whats the first thing you would do?
Scratch my balls and pee standing up
Are you addicted to anything?
TV...I luuurrrvveee my TV
What do you see in a guy/girl?
I love a sense of humor and a guy who can be a bit of a nerd - basically all of Ted's qualities
Has an animal ever attacked you?
Yes! When I was a kid my neighbor's dog knocked me down and tried to bite me :(
When was the last time someone made you laugh really hard?
Jess this morning when she dubbed herself the hungry grinch. I may have snorted a little :)
Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive?
I don't like piercings. I could be ok with a tattoo or two
What's the weirdest thing you've ever licked?
hmmm I can't think of anything weird :(
When you wake up, what's the first thought that runs through your head?
"shit...already?"
Do you actually believe Alaska is covered in snow?
Parts of it probably
Are you ever purposely irritating?
No...maybe I need to be sometimes...
Would you ever play strip poker?
With Ted I would
If you could make someone disappear, who would it be?
So many options!!
Look behind you, what do you see?
My gorgeous curtains from Anthropologie.
What's your fav thing about the opposite sex?
Ted's smile :)
What's the most important thing to you?
1. Ted 2. Family (mostly immediate) 3. Friends 4. Career
What would you be doing right now if you were kicked off your computer?
Laundry and watching Revenge
How do you spend your weekends?
With Ted, Blair or my S'port girls. Or at work.
Who do you want to be with right now?
I want to continue to hang out with Ted and Sly. Or hang out with the S'port girls
Are you fun to hang with?
Yes I am fun to hang out with. At least certain people still think so.
What country would you love to visit?
Japan
What's on your mind right now?
avoiding the drama llamas
When was the last time you went to a good party?
Blair's birthday outing was kinda like a good party
Fav song?
Spiderwebs - No Doubt
Can you lick your elbow?
Nope...isn't that impossible?
If you jumped out your bedroom window right now, how injured would you be?
not very...my bedroom is downstairs
What would you do if your bf/gf cheated on you with your best friend?
I'd cut off his balls. J/k...or am I?
Do you like anyone you can't have?
no...I guess this is a survey for high school kids?
Do you dance even without music?
sometimes
Does anyone tease you cause of your name?
Kids made fun of my last name...which was a bit of a stretch...
What song is stuck in your head right now?
None
What's your darkest secret?
I don't really have one
What do you think is at the end of the rainbow?
Your mom
If a blind guy/girl started hitting on you, what would you do?
Somehow mention the wedding ring he obviously can't see on my finger
What was the last concert you want to?
I worked a Houston Symphony concert last weekend and then last month went to see Maroon 5
Do you speak your mind?
I do but apparently that's a bad thing for some people
Can you handle the truth?
Yep. Can you?
What would you do if someone random on the street came up to you and started hitting on you?
Yep...High School kid quiz
Ever been caught naked?
Nope
Ever been in a fight?
Like a physical one? Not that I remember
If so did you win?
n/a
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?
Nope
Done anything illegal lately?
Not really
Name the most stupidest thing you've ever done?
Oh so many choices. Trust people I shouldn't
Would you talk to someone you don't know on the internet?
not anymore
Ever been in trouble for something you didn't do?
Oh I'm sure
Ever done anything stupid towards a cop?
Hell No
Have you lied to your parents about where you've been or going?
Oh who hasn't once upon a time
Ever had a prank turn out wrong?
Nah
Would you send money to a starving family in another country?
Sure
Are you hungry?
For ice cream!
If you could speak another language, what would it be?
Spanish would be useful
One word to describe yourself?
Fantastic
To describe your friends?
Amazing
What's the last present you've received?
Blair brought me some prints from Ikea yesterday
What would you rather have as a name?
I like my name
Any siblings?
Blair - the best person in the world
Are you a sporty kind of person or do you like to lay around and do nothing but watch tv or sit at the computer?
Totally lazy, but I'm starting to run
Could you outrun a bus?
Nope
You and your friends are bored. What do you do?
Chat or play a board game
What's your middle name?
Frances
What's your fav website?
I love Tom and Lorenzo's blog
Single or Taken?
Very Taken
Good or Bad kisser?
I guess I'm a good kisser?
What would you do if the world were coming to an end?
Eat an amazing meal and snuggle with Ted and Sly
Biggest regret ever?
Too many to list
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