A Question

Can one be modest and full of themselves at the same time? Cause, I think I am.

Let me back up. I think I'm good at my job. I love what I do, and I work really hard to kick ass at it. But at the same time, I like that I only have one annual performance review because it embarrasses me to hear that I kick ass at my job from other people. I'm pretty sure my boss thinks I'm one of the greatest things since sliced bread (the reason I believe this to be true is he was harder on himself during my evaluation than he was on me, and kept saying he could be better about x, y, or z.), but I hate hearing it because honestly, I feel like the expectation should be that I kick ass BECAUSE its my job and I shouldn't hear about how awesome I am. Honestly I think it makes me a little lazy to hear because then I get comfortable and quit trying for a few days.

A good example of this predicament coming to light recently is with this huge education project I've been slaving over for months now. We are down to the wire and I am mere hours of work away from completion. We were developing the credits page for the project disc, and both my boss and a colleague of mine wanted to put my name at the top of the list as the Project Manager. This embarrassed the crap out of me. 1. I should never, ever be listed higher on a credit list than my own boss and other people who far outrank me and 2. I don't necessarily need a title change. I did what I was asked to do. I don't feel that I deserve any credit above and beyond anyone else.

I find it interesting that one of our departments throws themselves a party after completing this one annual task they are responsible for. Um, what? I don't see why one would think "Hey I did my job...let's throw a party to celebrate!" If we did that in our department for every performance we pulled off, then we would never get anything done. I like having the very occasional pat on the back, hey yall are doing great gathering for the whole company, but I find it disturbing that they feel the need to celebrate that they did what was expected of them...

Is this weird to feel this way? Am I the lone modest, big headed individual in the universe?

I Have a Tendency...

to change my mind. A lot. Constantly, really.

For example, you know how I was super depressed about Sly? Well, I changed my mind. I'm not giving him up. I love my little spastic dog and we've decided to just not have him around people at our house. If we have company he'll go straight upstairs and stay in the goth kid's room. He's absolutely fantastic with just Ted and I and well frankly that's what matters. We aren't going to have a kid anytime soon, but I think he'd do well with a baby constantly being around if and when that time comes.

I know why I'm indecisive - I'm a people pleaser through and through. I overanalyze and look at a situation from every imaginable angle and how my decision will effect the entire universe. I think I know that my decision to eat a turkey sandwich for lunch today won't impact anyone other than myself and the place I purchase it from. However I am also thinking about how I've had a sandwich twice this week and I don't want the custodian to label me "that sandwich and Dr Pepper girl" because of my trash. I know he labels me the Dr Pepper girl cause he told me so when I was at work late and he came in. It freaked me out a little.

Anyway, I drive everyone nuts with my indecision, especially T. Deciding what to do for dinner is always an adventure:
Me: So, what do you want to do for supper? I forgot to take meat out again.
T: I don't care...what do you want?
Me: Ummmmmmmmmmm I don't know what I'm in the mood for. Maybe Sonic?
T: Ok I can do Sonic
*Brief moment of silence*
Me: Nevermind...what about Whataburger? That sounds good, right?
T: Either would be fine.
Me: Ooo no we should have BBQ!
*Brief moment of silence*
T: Ok which one?
Me: I don't know...you pick.
T: I really don't care and I know that you do, so which do you really want?
*Brief moment of silence*
T: Well? BBQ?
Me: Nah, just go to Sonic.

We repeat this same conversation as T walks out the door to get the food. I don't understand how he hasn't murdered me yet.

So if I can't decide food options, how am I supposed to make a sound decision on whether I keep a dog or not. I've gone back and forth every minute of the last few days. Ultimately I love him too much to give him up and I don't want the guilt to kill me. Cause that's another thing I'm horrible about - Guilt. That's a blog for another day.

What are you indecisive about?

The Saddest Panda in all the Lands

So I love my dog. He's amazing...until other people come around. Then he becomes a demon dog apparently and decides he needs to try to bite them. We can't seem to make him stop nor do we have the expertise to figure out how to do that, even with training. So the logical and realistic thing to do is to give him back to the rescue group because we can't handle him. But I don't wanna cause he looks at me with his big brown eyes and I just know he loves his momma.

Meh...I guess I really have no choice because soon people are going to just not want to come over to our house and see us. Therefore I'm the saddest panda in all the lands today. Cheer me up somehow.

Oh and my car is broken...the AC fan or something is out and makes a horrible grinding noise when I try to have air, so I'm currently rolling with no AC. FML.