Bittersweet Symphony

Remember that song? No clue if this blog post is even relevant to that song but I'm having a weird day so I feel it fits the occasion.

I've been a icky mood since Friday. I'm slightly depressed, the biggest reason being that my grandma was taken into the hospital and we weren't really sure what was going on. She's the only grandparent I have left, and at 85 years old let's be honest I don't know how much time I have left with her. Though with how tough she is she may just outlive us all. The tests are coming back ok, but I'm still really stressed and worried about it.

Out of my four grandparents, I never met my paternal grandfather (he died when my Dad was a teenager) and my paternal grandma and my other grandpa (Peepaw as I so called him when I was a little kid) died when I was in 3rd and 4th grade, respectively. I was really, really close to them. Like, if I wasn't with my parents then I was definitely at one of their houses being spoiled rotten cause I was the favorite. After my grandma died I was a mess and my parents had to put me in grief counseling because I wasn't dealing with it very well. I honestly don't remember 3rd grade cause I guess I've blocked it. When my grandpa died a year later I knew how to deal with death but I was still pretty bad and to this day get choked up thinking about how much of my life they've both missed out on. I wish they could have seen everything I've accomplished in my life, because honestly I think they'd be really happy to see that I'm doing ok and I married someone amazing and I own my own house. I really wish I could have seen them with my as-yet-unrealized kids. Hopefully my grandma will be able to meet any great-grandchildren I may pop out in the future, but this whole thing with her health has me freaked out on so many levels.

Another slight depression thing involves our open house party. Remember when I told you all about my party anxiety? Well, it was affirmed again. Don't get me wrong, I am so very appreciative of the friends and family who did make the effort to come out and support us this weekend. I love each and every one of you, and I thank you so much for your kindness. I should be focused on you and how awesome you are. But the ugly side of me is obsessed and pissed with the 20+ people who said they'd come and then didn't show. Seriously? I'd rather you have said oh sorry I have plans. Don't freaking lie to my face and smile and act like you are my friend. I don't get it...why tell me you are going to be there? Do people not realize that I spent a large amount of time / effort / money so I can show them a good time? Now I have like, 25 bottles of beer and 100 jello shots and 30 hot dog weenies in my fridge. All I can think about is why I'm not "good enough" for the people who didn't show up when I should be focused on those who are amazing and were there. I'm a f***ed up individual.

Right now you are probably thinking, um this is all bitter and no sweet, but here is the sweet part: I am getting a second niece in November! I'm really really happy and excited for Sis-in-law M and Bro-in-law A and Niece A! I love that my family is expanding and that I'll be there for the whole duration of this little girl's life. I plan on spoiling her rotten, and continuing to spoil Niece A even more. I am so in love with Niece A - she's one of my current favorite things.

So I"m sad and happy all at the same time, and I think that could be considered bittersweet. I appreciate all of the love I have in my life right now, but I'm stressed over alot of stuff at the same time. I don't know...I just needed to talk to someone about it and well, you blog peeps won. I'll try to perk up and blog about some fun party stuff later tonight.