Orchestrating a Baby: The HSG and a Note about Honesty

So yesterday was the big HSG test.  I was not happy to find out my test was at 7:30 in the morning.  That meant getting up at 5 AM to leave the house by 6 AM to get to the Medical Center by 6:45 AM.  I was cranky because I didn't sleep at all.

Sidenote: I haven't been sleeping lately.  I'm a bundle of nerves about everything and I don't know why.  Work stress?  Probably.  I feel like something big is about to happen.  It varies each night - sometimes I think I'm gonna die soon...sometimes I think I'm gonna win the lottery...sometimes I think it might just mean the baby is imminent.  Wide spectrum there, no?

Anyway...

I knew what I was in for so I wasn't fearing the unknown.  The test is straightforward: they insert a catheter into your hoo-haa (medical term) and inject dye into your uterus.  This allows the doctor to see the shape of your uterus as well as the fallopian tubes to determine if anything is physically wrong with your lady parts.  I knew it would cause mild cramping, so I wasn't so worried about it.  What I was terrified of were the potential results.  One of the things that kept me awake the night before was the idea that something would be so wrong that we couldn't fix it.  Some of the nightmare scenarios I had in mind:

• My uterus was inside out
• My uterus was split in two
• My uterus was tilted so much that any fertilized egg wouldn't attach and would just fall out
• My tubes were somehow tied on their own

And that just proves how crazy I am.

I should have spent more time focused on the damn test.  Because honesty time: It sucked big donkey balls.  Not to be crude, but it did.  It sucked hardcore.  I know, I should toughen up and get used to these kinds of things if I want to have a baby but shit did I not expect mild cramps to equal that amount of pain.  If anything, this test just further pushed the elective cesarean approach for when this baby does happen.  I have such a low pain threshold, and the amount of things that happened with this test just really took me by surprise.  To add to the pain, when I moved up on the table for the actual X-ray, the stupid catheter shifted so they had to do it all over again.  I accidentally cussed at my doctor...I felt horrible cause it wasn't her fault, but geez louise did that hurt!!

So they push in the dye and guess what!?  Everything is NORMAL.  I think my reaction said it all "Yay...I guess?"  I mean, yes it is great that everything is perfect, but it feels like a non-answer.  So my doctor told me to 'do it a lot' and call her when we either get a positive test or I get my period.  It felt very anti-climatic.

Now that you are all up to date, I wanted to quickly talk about why I've decided to be so open and honest about this journey.  I know most couples would be very tight-lipped about this process and keep it private.  I tried that approach for a long time, but I found it was not healthy for me to keep something this huge and life-altering inside.  Ted's a great partner and listener, but I knew I was going to get on his nerves if I continued to obsess over this and talk about it only to him.  He is fine with me being honest about it, which just makes me love him even more.

I have found that most women look at fertility problems as something to hide in shame.  I guess I don't think I should be ashamed of the fact that I want a baby and I'm ok with sharing with everyone how we are going to make it happen for us.  I do admit that it is an extremely intimate thing, and you will not be getting a play by play of what goes on behind closed doors.  You all know how babies get made, so I don't need to educate anyone on that.  I'm here to give you a glimpse into what happens when two mostly-healthy adults who love each other more than words can say have trouble conceiving.  I'm here to get people to understand that sometimes fertility is more than just 'relaxing and letting it happen for you' - sometimes there really is a reason why it isn't happening.  So many people say "it will happen when it is supposed to" and I appreciate that sentiment, but also understand that maybe God intends for me to walk this path in order for it to happen.  Because that's what I think.  I compare it to that story about the person stuck on the roof of their house during a flood.  Several boats and other things come by to rescue them, but instead of seeing those things as something God sent, they just blindly say "oh no worries, God will provide".  HELLO, He gave you the way to safety!  So I think He is giving me the medical technologies to make this happen because my body is currently a 'flood' and I need a way to make it work.  Does that make sense to anyone else?  No?  Oh well I tried...

Anywho, that's all I have for tonight.  Until next time!