Orchestrating a Baby: Doubt

Sooooo I've not really posted in awhile about this journey, and I promised to do updates and be completely honest about our road to having a baby.  I've been avoiding writing about it, because lately I've had some doubts about the whole thing.

One of my besties Jess had her gorgeous little baby girl Teagan on July 3.  Her labor was flawless and Jess did an amazing job.  When I got to her hospital room I was in awe of her because she took to being a mother so naturally.  The next morning I was eager to hold Teagan, but I was terrified to pick her up or move or do anything that could possible harm this itty-bitty baby.  I just don't really know how to act around an infant.  They are cute and all, but they are so foreign to me.  Seeing Jess (and earlier this year Sarah) with their babies makes me wonder if I'm really cut out for this whole motherhood thing.  Jess said she just knew what to do...like magic.  Sure, that is probably what would happen after I have a kid, but what if it doesn't??

Couple those insecurities with this current cycle and MAJOR work related stress / uncertainty and I'm pretty much a walking emotional basket case with the lid shut tight.  I took my first round of clomid this month, and I don't think it worked.  In fact, I have yet to ovulate.  Either I missed it or my body has decided this is the month to develop PCOS.  I had a sneaking suspicion the medicine didn't work from the get-go because I had hardly any of the typical clomid symptoms.  I had maybe 3 hot flashes, and even those I kinda doubt were real.  I think I just got hot.  I wasn't super moody, but I did use the medicine as an excuse to act bitchier than I normally do.  Like, I consciously made an effort to be mean sometimes just because I could.  I'm thinking that was brought on by my anger for even being in the situation to take this stupid medication in the first place.

And to top it all off, I feel HUGE.  Like, fatter than I've ever been in my life.  I know what I need to do to drop the weight - I need to stop drinking cokes and eating pasta every other day.  But those things are my comforts.  When I'm sad it is so much nicer to make a big ol' bowl of noodles and sit in front of the tv.  I don't have a gym that is near my house so I would need to exercise outside...but it is too. damn. hot.  I would love to do pilates or yoga or a class of some sort with Blair.  Unfortunately there aren't any in Crosby and I don't want to do a video cause I'm just going to hurt myself because I've tried and I did feel like I was doing it wrong.  I feel like losing weight is like my thesis - a thing that I think about every damn day and yet I don't have the motivation to make it happen.

Anywho this turned into a big old pity party didn't it?  I guess the final message is this: I'm doubting our plans.  I've always been one to cut and run when things get hard, so I'm really trying to fight my natural instincts of throwing my hands in the air and saying never mind to this whole baby thing.  We'll see what happens I guess.