Orchestrating a Baby: The HSG and a Note about Honesty

So yesterday was the big HSG test.  I was not happy to find out my test was at 7:30 in the morning.  That meant getting up at 5 AM to leave the house by 6 AM to get to the Medical Center by 6:45 AM.  I was cranky because I didn't sleep at all.

Sidenote: I haven't been sleeping lately.  I'm a bundle of nerves about everything and I don't know why.  Work stress?  Probably.  I feel like something big is about to happen.  It varies each night - sometimes I think I'm gonna die soon...sometimes I think I'm gonna win the lottery...sometimes I think it might just mean the baby is imminent.  Wide spectrum there, no?

Anyway...

I knew what I was in for so I wasn't fearing the unknown.  The test is straightforward: they insert a catheter into your hoo-haa (medical term) and inject dye into your uterus.  This allows the doctor to see the shape of your uterus as well as the fallopian tubes to determine if anything is physically wrong with your lady parts.  I knew it would cause mild cramping, so I wasn't so worried about it.  What I was terrified of were the potential results.  One of the things that kept me awake the night before was the idea that something would be so wrong that we couldn't fix it.  Some of the nightmare scenarios I had in mind:

• My uterus was inside out
• My uterus was split in two
• My uterus was tilted so much that any fertilized egg wouldn't attach and would just fall out
• My tubes were somehow tied on their own

And that just proves how crazy I am.

I should have spent more time focused on the damn test.  Because honesty time: It sucked big donkey balls.  Not to be crude, but it did.  It sucked hardcore.  I know, I should toughen up and get used to these kinds of things if I want to have a baby but shit did I not expect mild cramps to equal that amount of pain.  If anything, this test just further pushed the elective cesarean approach for when this baby does happen.  I have such a low pain threshold, and the amount of things that happened with this test just really took me by surprise.  To add to the pain, when I moved up on the table for the actual X-ray, the stupid catheter shifted so they had to do it all over again.  I accidentally cussed at my doctor...I felt horrible cause it wasn't her fault, but geez louise did that hurt!!

So they push in the dye and guess what!?  Everything is NORMAL.  I think my reaction said it all "Yay...I guess?"  I mean, yes it is great that everything is perfect, but it feels like a non-answer.  So my doctor told me to 'do it a lot' and call her when we either get a positive test or I get my period.  It felt very anti-climatic.

Now that you are all up to date, I wanted to quickly talk about why I've decided to be so open and honest about this journey.  I know most couples would be very tight-lipped about this process and keep it private.  I tried that approach for a long time, but I found it was not healthy for me to keep something this huge and life-altering inside.  Ted's a great partner and listener, but I knew I was going to get on his nerves if I continued to obsess over this and talk about it only to him.  He is fine with me being honest about it, which just makes me love him even more.

I have found that most women look at fertility problems as something to hide in shame.  I guess I don't think I should be ashamed of the fact that I want a baby and I'm ok with sharing with everyone how we are going to make it happen for us.  I do admit that it is an extremely intimate thing, and you will not be getting a play by play of what goes on behind closed doors.  You all know how babies get made, so I don't need to educate anyone on that.  I'm here to give you a glimpse into what happens when two mostly-healthy adults who love each other more than words can say have trouble conceiving.  I'm here to get people to understand that sometimes fertility is more than just 'relaxing and letting it happen for you' - sometimes there really is a reason why it isn't happening.  So many people say "it will happen when it is supposed to" and I appreciate that sentiment, but also understand that maybe God intends for me to walk this path in order for it to happen.  Because that's what I think.  I compare it to that story about the person stuck on the roof of their house during a flood.  Several boats and other things come by to rescue them, but instead of seeing those things as something God sent, they just blindly say "oh no worries, God will provide".  HELLO, He gave you the way to safety!  So I think He is giving me the medical technologies to make this happen because my body is currently a 'flood' and I need a way to make it work.  Does that make sense to anyone else?  No?  Oh well I tried...

Anywho, that's all I have for tonight.  Until next time!

In New Yooooorkkkk

....make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire yoooouuuu....
(Sing it Mary J.!!)

So as most of you know I spent last weekend in New York.  The orchestra had the opportunity to open the 2012 Spring for Music Festival at Carnegie Hall.  After a year (or more) of booking flights and hotel, arranging ticket requests and buses, and dealing with every tour related detail you can imagine, I was blessed with the opportunity to accompany the orchestra as a staff member.  And, not only was I able to achieve one of my career goals of taking a group to Carnegie Hall, but I also got to achieve a life long dream that I really, truly thought would never happen:

I performed at Carnegie Hall. *Insert squeal of delight here*

It was a strange set of circumstances that put me on that stage.  The first half of the program is a great piece by Shostakovich that is basically a parody of a Communist Party meeting.  There is a baritone who acts as the four main speakers (he switches hats to demonstrate who he is at any given time) and then there is a 'chorus' of "Musical Functionaries" who chime in with applause and rousing interjections of agreement in response to the speaker.  Our music director did not want the 'chorus' to be made up of professional singers.  He wanted it to be a mix of 'everyday' types, though they needed to still be able to read music and know how to follow a conductor. 

In January, we were doing an open rehearsal to give our donors a sense of what the piece was about.  We tried to wrangle some orchestra musicians to participate as chorus members, but we didn't really get enough.  So my boss asked if I would sit in the rehearsal and wanted me to rope a few other musically inclined staff members into helping out as well.  I was a nervous wreck for that rehearsal; it had been years since I had been in rehearsal and here I was sitting on a stage with our orchestra.  However, as the rehearsal got underway I felt more and more comfortable; in fact, I even had a bit of fun.

Flash forward a few months, and we needed to figure out how to fill out the 'chorus', as Carnegie was fast approaching.  So my boss asked if I wanted to participate again, and I think I interrupted his question with a very loud "OMG YES PLEASE!!"  I was so excited that I was getting the opportunity.

It was everything I could possibly imagine and more.  Surreal on so many levels.  Carnegie is a beautiful hall and the orchestra sounded amazing.  Not only did I participate in the 'chorus', I also got to be an 'anti-percussionist' on the second half - the percussion section needed two people to help muffle the huge chimes so our assistant personnel manager and I got to sit on stage and help out.  I had the best seat in the house!!

Here are some pics:
 

 The view from my hotel room

I was the main contact for the hotel, and I was welcomed with fruit!  Big Pimpin'!!

Our hotel had the best burger place.  I ate there twice.  

Before devouring the best burger and fries I've ever had

The next day we walked around Central Park.  I ate a hot dog from a cart!

 The view from our table at the Central Park Boathouse

Champagne!!

I went out Sunday night.  Times Square!!

Monday we got down to business

 My view during rehearsal (and the concert)

 On stage at Carnegie!!

 Carnegie Hall Stage Door

Post Concert.  I was on such an adrenaline high!!

So there you have it.  It really was a dream weekend and I can honestly rank it as one of the best weekends of my life.  I am so lucky and so happy to be where I am. 

Some Exciting Work Things

Two Work Things I'm Happy About:

• I get to perform with the orchestra as a member of a 'chorus' that is required for the first half of our Carnegie Hall concert.  This means not only do I perform with the orchestra at Jones Hall, I also get to do it at Carnegie Hall.  Never in a million years did I think I would get this opportunity.  I've been giddy for weeks now.  Now, it was the perfect set of circumstances that gave me this dream opportunity.  First, the chorus part is not terribly difficult and can be performed by those of us who aren't necessarily trained...in fact our music director prefers it for this particular piece.  I was already going to NYC to work the tour, so my boss said that they could use another person and bam, I'm in the chorus.  I'm beyond excited to live a dream that I've had since I was 12.  

• On top of the performance, I'm really happy to finally get the chance to go on a tour with the orchestra and learn the ropes of taking a concert on the road.  I've worked really hard getting the orchestra to various locations in my 3+ years I've worked here, so it is great to actually see the tour happen.  I'm going to be super busy with various assignments, but I think I'll have a little bit of fun while I'm there.

I'll write up a recap of my trip when I get back next week.  So give me something to read in the meantime: Have you unexpectedly been able to cross off a major thing on your bucket list?

Orchestrating a Baby: The Testing Journey Continues

(I've decided to 'name' my fertility blog updates Orchestrating a Baby, because a) we are trying to put together a baby so to speak and b) I think it is funny given my profession.)

So the last thing I reported was we were trying to have a baby and we have been failing miserably.  Ok, I should put it that we have just had problems making it happen, but really it feels like failing.  Anyway...so I knew the next step was to go to the doctor.

I really like my doctor.  I don't know, she just puts me at ease unlike any other doctor I've had as an adult, so I trust her judgement and I know she will be honest with me.  I booked an appointment for Ted and I to have a chat with her to find out what we need to do next.

Our appointment was a Tuesday afternoon and even though there would be no invasive tests done and it was simply just a discussion-type appointment, I was a nervous wreck.  I met Ted at the doctor's office and we traveled in silence up to the 11th floor.  After we signed in and sat, I could tell Ted started to get nervous a little too because he got chatty and he was loud.  Ted only speaks above mumble-volume when he's uncomfortable.  I'm the opposite.  I get squeamish and quiet, so I think we made quite the entertaining pair while in the waiting room.

We finally settled into our room and Dr. Tarrant came in after about 20 minutes.  As I expected, she was very direct and honest.  She said that yes, after a year of trying to have a baby without any luck the medical world suggests that you have various tests done to see if there is a problem.  First they would draw blood from me and test my thyroid levels as that can have a direct effect on fertility.  This made me more nervous, because out of the 4 people in my immediate family, I'm the only one who has never had a thyroid problem.  Dad doesn't have a thyroid anymore (cancer); Blair's is all out of whack due to her diabetes; Mom has always had problems with her levels.  So, it was looking bleak for me on that front.

The next test we needed to do was have Ted's...stuff...analyzed.  If there was a problem, it is best to catch it before we move on to the next level of testing on me, as those tests can be very invasive procedures.

She then said that the next step would be another test for me (I'll explain that in a bit) and then we will begin Clomid.  For those of you who do not know, Clomid is a fertility drug to help spur 'good ovulation'.  Currently, I am ovulating.  Dr. Tarrant said it would be extremely rare to have consistent periods and not be ovulating.  She looked over my charts and saw no indication that I have PCOS.  However, Clomid will beef up the follicles that essentially release an egg, and that could be the boost we need to make this happen for us.  Also, Clomid will help produce a 'better' egg that can perhaps better withstand the whole fertilization process than my eggs seem to.

So, here are the results so far:
1.  My thyroid levels are completely normal.  I have no idea how my body has maintained normalcy in that arena, but hey I'll take it.
2.  Ted's swimmers are 'above average'...apparently they have good mobility and morphology and he has a high number.  I think he is proud of himself.  We had to go to a reproductive endocrinologist's office to get that test done.  I was so pissed because it felt like they held the results hostage for a few days.  My doctor finally had to bully them into telling us everything was ok.

The next step is a not-so-fun invasive test for me called an HSG.  Basically, Dr. Tarrant will need to take an X-Ray of my equipment to see if there is any physical abnormalities that is preventing fertilization.  In order to take the pictures, they will inject dye into my hoo-haa (medical term).  The dye will 'light up' all of my lady bits and show her everything.  Dr. Tarrant mentioned that this test sometimes works magic for couples because the dye inadvertently cleans out any blockages that may be hiding out in the fallopian tubes.  The test has to occur one or two days after you've finished up your period.  Of course, I was four days late this month (yeah, it was so fun getting my hopes up a little...I've never in my life been 4 days late so I was so excited) and Dr. Tarrant was going on a medical mission so we missed the window of opportunity for the test.  This means that we have to do it in May instead, which means we won't start Clomid until June now.

So there we are...you are up to date.  I'm nervous about the HSG and what we may find.  In fourth grade I had surgery to correct a kidney reflux problem I was born with.  It was a very involved surgery - I had anesthesia and I stayed in the hospital for like a week.  You can still See the scare on my (very) lower abdomen (ha well Ted or I can see...not everyone has tickets to that show).  The surgery basically moved the tube that leads from the kidney to the bladder, because mine wasn't working properly.  So I'm scared that something weird happened and there is scar tissue on my uterus or tubes from that surgery.  Sure, they shouldn't have been slicing those things, but I'm thinking that those items are pretty close to each other in a 10 year old girl.  I've read up on if it is a possibility that infertility could be some weird complication, but I haven't found any evidence of that.  The only thing that will calm my fears is the test.  Hopefully all will be well and we can continue on towards having a baby.
 

Orchestrating a Baby: Radio Silence

So you may have noticed that I've neglected my blog.  You've experienced radio silence for a few months because I just haven't wanted to chat about anything.  Well, I think I'm ready to air my dirty laundry and be really honest even though I'm beyond embarrassed about how I've felt about life lately.  Ready?  Ok.

The not so big secret: I want to have a baby.
The not so known aspect of that statement: I can't seem to get pregnant.

We've been working on this whole pregnancy thing for 11 months.  Granted, all the professional doctor types say you shouldn't get worried until it has been a year, but seeing as 11 months is only 31 days shy of 'worry time', I'm a little (no, a lot) freaked that it hasn't happened yet.

I'm tired of feeling alone.

And that isn't to say that I don't have amazing family and friends who are supportive.  I just got back from a great weekend celebrating with my three best friends and talking about their babies.  I am going to be the best Aunt ever to those three little girls.  And I hope that my friends know how happy I am for them.  Because I am over the moon happy for them.

It just gets really, really hard.  Want to know how many friends / family / acquaintances have either had a baby or has gotten pregnant in the past year?  Like, 12 or 13.  I'm sure there are more.  Those are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head.  Every time I see the facebook announcements or I get the phone call I first feel so excited for them but then later the jealousy and ugliness creep into my thoughts: What did they do right and what did I do wrong?  Why am I not allowed to experience that joy too?  And then when I hear that someone who isn't in the best life situation gets pregnant, all I can think is "Really God?  They get to have that joy and I don't? You can't be fucking serious."  I've done everything right: I didn't do drugs.  I graduated from high school and college with honors.  I'm really close to finishing up my stupid thesis and actually having my Masters diploma in my hot little hand.  I work really hard at a job I love.  I contribute to society.  So why is it that I'm not rewarded with what pretty much everyone on the planet proclaims to be the most important: the ability to share your life with a child?

The real kicker is that at this point, it isn't a glaringly obvious medical problem.  I went to the doctor in December and she said everything looked good and that there were no immediate red flags to say we can't have kids.  My monthly visit (cringe) is on time every single month and the ovulation tests always come back positive so we can almost completely rule out the usual suspect of PCOS.  I'm supposed to call my doctor in April if we've still had no luck.  I know lots of women have obvious medical issues, but at the very least they have a treatment plan and they know what they are up against.  I have no clue what the problem could be.  My current plan consists of doing what we are doing and hope for the best, which is a problem because guess what, it hasn't worked for 11 months. Oh and side note, don't tell me to relax.  Would you tell someone with a flu that the cure would be to relax?  Oy that doesn't help anyone!!

Anyway.

I know, I have a very blessed life, but at the end of the day I want to have my Chicken Little look alike.  I want to hang his pictures on my fridge.  I want to take him to the park and push him on a swing.  I want to buy him ornaments from Hallmark every year for our Christmas tree.  I want Ted to teach him nerdy computer stuff.  I want my dad to show off his grandson at the fire station and let him ride in the cab of the ladder truck during a parade.  I want my sister to be able to buy him designer kid outfits and to decorate his room.  I want my mom and grandma to give him big hugs and kisses. 

So there you have it.  Why I've been so quiet lately.  Now I'm gonna go back to work and mop up the massive nosebleed I'm now encountering.  Woot.

WEverb Catch Up

With our vacation, Christmas and other things going on, I've slacked in the WEverb11 posts, so I'm gonna play a little catch up today.  Ready for a marathon of reflection?  Let's go!

WEverb #9: Appreciate
In which moment did you find yourself flooded with gratitude? How will you rally around gratitude in 2012?

Ted was in a car accident in October.  He was fine, but his car was not.  For a few days, we didn't know if his car would actually work again, and we are in no position to buy another new car this year.  I really had no idea what the hell we were going to do.  I was pouring my heart out to my dear friend Jessica, and she says, "Mer, you can have my mom's car.  I'm never going to drive it, and she would have wanted it to be used to help someone.  If Ted's car is officially scrap metal, let me know and we'll get it to you."  Yall, I cried.  That offer meant the world to me, and I love that I have a friend who would do that for me, especially when 9 times out of 10 I don't feel like I deserve such beautiful friendship.  Jess, you are amazing and I love you!!  The gratitude I felt in that moment was truly monumental.  Hopefully I can remember that feeling and bring it to someone in 2012.

WEverb #10: Create
Share a creative project you undertook this year (art, writing, DIY, cooking, home decoration, crafts, photography … whatever comes to mind). How do you use your creativity to express yourself?

For Christmas this year, Blair and I decided to make a calendar for Mom.  It wasn't just any old calendar: it was a calendar full of pictures from our childhood that we then reenacted as adults.  It is the funniest thing ever!  We had so much fun putting it together and coming up with ways to redo the photos as adults.  I love that Mom may love it more than any other present she got this year.

WEver #11: Try
What 12 things do you want to do/accomplish in 2012?

1. Finish my thesis.
2. Celebrate my friends and their new additions
3. Create a built in desk in the breakfast nook
4. Buy the bookcases for our living room
5. Accomplish at least 10 items on my 101 in 1,001 list
6. Lose weight
7. Redo our front landscaping
8. Go on another trip (Europe perhaps?)
9. Be a better employee
10. Make a new friend
11. Go to more cultural events
12. Spend more time with my Grandma

WEverb #19: Laugh
Tell us about your biggest belly laugh in 2011.

I had a few belly laughs in 2011, but the most recent that sticks out in my mind is from last week.  I took my Grandma and Mom over to my Great Aunt's house to pick up a strudel for my Dad.  Well, after we left I wasn't sure where we were going: Mom's house or Grandma's house.  So I ask, "Where are we going ladies?"  And my Grandma, without missing a beat, replies, "Straight" in the most smart-ass tone I've ever heard her use.  I started to laugh and told her to stop being such a smart ass and to tell me the location she wanted to go, not the direction.  Mom started to laugh, and then Grandma started to laugh.  I think we laughed until we pulled into Mom's driveway.  It was a beautiful moment.

WEver #20: Plug In / Unplug
How has technology affected your life (positively or negatively) in 2011?  Do you want this to continue for 2012?

Ted and I are constantly on our computers or our phones.  I love that we have something to entertain us, but I always worry it is going to eventually negatively impact our relationship because there are some nights we are in the same room but we don't actually talk to each other because we are too engrossed in our laptops.  I'd like for us to tone it down in 2012.

WEverb11 #7: Travel

Where did you travel this year? What was your favorite part? If you didn’t get to travel, where do you want to go next year?

We had a pretty good travel year.  In June, we celebrated Blair's graduation from Baylor by taking a family trip to Las Vegas.  I love going to Vegas  and I wish we could afford to go more often!

In a few days we are taking a trip to Orlando to go to Disney World and Universal with Jess and Terry.  I am so excited to see the parks all decked out in Christmas decor.  I am just as excited to go on a vacation with two of my dearest friends and celebrate not only our anniversaries, but their upcoming addition to their family!

I'm not sure if I can talk Ted into it, but if we can pay off the Florida trip in a timely manner, I would love to go to Hawaii or maybe even London next year.